Virginity Soap?

 

Every morning in Palawan, I would wake up, go for a little walk along the beach, then come back, make coffee and drink it sitting in a rocker on the front porch, while looking out at the ocean and listening to scratchy am radio out of Puerto Princesa.
The dj talked a blue streak of Tagalog - mostly about the new laws restricting trikes on national highways, from what I could gather - and every now and then he threatened to play a song, only to start talking over it as it faded out after only about 10 seconds of play. Every hour, it seemed, had its own primary sponsor that was hawked relentlessly by the dj. One  particular product being sold all week caught my ear: "Virgin Soap".
All hour, all week: "Virgin Soap". My wife had no idea. Having zero filters, the moment Erika, the lady who kind of took care of us came in, I was all over her for answers. To paraphrase her embarrassed, giggle-filled explanation: It tightens up the way your coochie looks. Draws the skin tauter, or something.
If we'd had internet there, I would have had all the answers about 30 seconds after first hearing those magical words. As it was, I had to cool my jets for more info until we reached the airport in Manila...
Seems the main ingredient in Virgin Soap is Witch Hazel, an old and widely used liniment and cure-all. My mom had a bottle under the sink when I was a kid. It's an astringent, as well, so maybe it does have some sort of tautening properties... At any rate, I am advised the effect is only topical and cosmetic.
In the interest of advancing scientific research, I am considering spending the $30-$40 for a single bar of soap, just to see if I can transform my scrotum into a cue ball. I will keep you updated...